First, please do forgive me if I miss people out. If I do, the chances are, I missed them out on purpose, because I could not care less about them, there were too many people to get through or perhaps I just could not think of a Christmas present to give them [there, I admitted it].
Alberto Del Rio
This one is simple, significance. Not sure if it is possible to give someone the gift of significance, but if so, ADR gets is. This guy is a 2 time champion who won the Royal Rumble and yet it seems like he only goes over people who don't matter in the company. Anytime he fights anyone relevant, he loses, sometimes more than once [I believe he lost to Randy Orton about 3 or 4 times in a row].
Antonio Cesaro
Some hair. No really, I'm not anti bald men, but it would go nicely. He can wrestle and he has an interesting heel character [okay it might not be interesting but it works]. Give him a full head of hair and he's instantly in the world title scene. He's never going to get there as a bald guy, they have one already, Ryback.
Big Show
The Aktins diet book. This guy does not know how to lose weight. How many times has he vanished from TV to lose weight? The first time he did it, he returned even fatter. After his return in 2005 I think he was at his fattest. they had him listed at over 500 pounds. Now he is listed at about 440, but let's face it, he's still a fat pie. Who knows what the World Heavyweight title is doing on him?
Brodus Clay
A different gimmick. Some people might enjoy it but it seems to be leading nowhere. He is never in any significant fueds and you rarely see him on any PPV's, meaning, he's just a joke character and he aint going anywhere significant.
Christian
Good health. The WWE is currently in need of more entertaining wrestlers who can wrestle and talk just as well. Hope you get back from injury ASAP Captain Charisma.
CM Punk
Some faith in God. It's Christmas! It's the season to be happy that Jesus was born. Oh and perhaps some laser treatment too, he's gone overboard with the tatoos [though if I'm going to go there I should start with The Undertaker].
Cody Rhodes
A good wax, right under the nose, to get rid of that leech that seems to be stuck there.
Damien Sandow
Some fans who are on his level. All people do when he talks is boo, but he's so intellectual and talks so much sense, they would be better of listening to some of his wisdom. He needs people on his level.
Daniel Bryan
A trip to the hairdresser to shave off that big old beard. On the other hand he could dye it white and be one of those street Santas, but after Christmas, get rid of it!
David Otunga
A new and improved gimmick [a few wrestlers might get the same present]. All he does right now is pretend to be a lawyer and job to Khali in under a minute.
Drew McIntyre
More air time? Can't remember the last time he was on TV. Is he injured? Perhaps I fell asleep when he was on, that happens a lot with the quality of the shows these days.
Great Khali
A moveset for crying out loud. I know he's massive, but he can't go on just hitting chops and having 1 minute bouts. Give him at least a couple more moves and perhaps a walking stick since he seems to have problems walking.
Hornswoggle
A mini walking stick, he also seems to have problems walking. Get him away from Great Khali as well. I know his leprechaun gimmick was stupid but it's still better than being stuck as Khali's little bitch.
3 Man Band
Coal. They suck. I'd give coal to the writer who made this idea up as well. Separate them and give each of them some gimmicks we can pretend to care about.
John Cena
A rock CD. Perhaps heavy metal. He needs to be told that he doesn't have to dress and act the way he does, there's no need for these subcultures.
JTG
I dunno. Pants that fit?
Kane
A nice retirement. He deserves it, or at least, he does not deserve to constantly be repackaged over and over and over again. They've had him as a monster, they've had him as a goofball [and currently do], they've had him with a mask and sleeves, one sleeve, no sleeves, then a different type of mask, then no mask, now a mask again [why? I don't know]. Just stop!
Kofi Kingston
His birth certificate. I need to find it and get it sent to him. Where is he from? Jamaica or Ghana? I'm not sure he even knows.
Mark Henry
A start in a world's strongest man competition. If he wins, then he can be referred to as the world's strongest man, because right now, he aint.
The Miz
Some time in the ring. Is he a wrestler or a journalist? Why is a former world champion and Wrestlemania main eventer spending his time interviewing people and recapping what's going on in the WWE?
R Truth
Roaddogg. Team up, change your name back to K Kwik and let's continue the tag team that was cut short 12 years ago by Roaddogg's firing for drugs.
Randy Orton
A heel turn [yes another one, but this time, let it stay that way]. He just does not work as a face, he looks too slimy and evil.
Rey Mysterio
I could be cruel here and mention something about his height, but let's just say, a nice long fued with his current tag team partner. Could be epic.
Ryback
A PPV win. Squashing guys in the opener on Raw and Smackdown is one thing, but a PPV win is more important. If he is being pushed as this monster face, he can't go any more PPV's without a win.
Santino Marella
A nice bowl of spaghetti. What? He's from Italy. I said a nice bowl, with some effort put in to it, since it's Christmas.
Sheamus
Some hair dye. I mean it's bad enough he's pale as death, but add to that his red hair and it just spells disaster.
Triple H
His hair back, he just looks weird now and his nose is more noticeable.
Tyson Kidd
A DVD of Hart Dynasty's greatest matches, so he can remember the times when people cared about his character.
The Undertaker
Same as Kane. Retirement. At this stage his career is being needlessly dragged out. He has beaten so many greats and it is getting more and more difficult to find anyone else that people might realistically believe can beat him. He might have a couple more Wrestlemanias in him but I hope he does not outstay his welcome. He has had a great career and there is need to ruin it but having him wrestling matches past his best.
Yoshi Tatsu
A one way ticket to Japan. He is so misused in the WWE [as a squash mascot], get him out of there.
Zack Ryder
His own talk show. Not one on the WWE website, but a proper one, to rival Conan, Kimmel, Leno and the rest. He seems to have enough followers on twitter, so his talk show would have ratings.
Divas
AJ
Something to take her away from WWE television for a long time. She irritates the crap out of me.
Eve
A women's title. If she is going to have a title, it might as well be one that has meaning, not some fluffy 'diva' nonsense.
Kaitlyn
A trip to the hairdresser to shorten that hair. Her long hair keeps on tangling up and getting in the way. Just cut it off [I know it's crap but I couldn't think of anything].
Natalya
Something better to do than being Khali's cheerleader.
That's all the diva's in this company I can be bothered to mention, even the ones I did write about mean very little to wrestling.
TNA
There are a few TNA wrestlers I would like to give gifts as well, though I am not going to go through the entire roster since I don't have the nervous system.
Austin Aries
An attitude adjustment. No not the finishing move, a real one. He annoys me. No not his gimmick, I know he is a heel. He annoys me, as a person.
Christopher Daniels
Retirement. He's looking older and more frail every week, just quit, before you do yourself a serious injury, like you did in that WCW match you had just before the company was bought out.
Eric Young
More time in elementary school. He needs to repeat, and this time, pay attention.
Hulk Hogan
Absolutely nothing. He doesn't need anything, he has too much already [and he still wants more, greedy man]. Plus a written contract that keeps him away from any televised wrestling shows, for any company, now, and to the hour of his death, Amen, brother!
Jeff Hardy
An eye clinic appointment. He seems to have some sort of problem with his eyes, particularly during entrances.
Kurt Angle
Same as Christopher Daniels. Retirement, before his neck gets broken so bad that his head literally falls off during a match. Seriously Kurt, you were a great wrestler, possibly one of the best ever, but retire, before you die in the ring.
Mr Anderson
See Austin Aries
Samoa Joe
Atkins diet [or he can borrow Big Show's] and try outs in Sumo wrestling.
Sting
Retirement, or leave TNA, have a match with The Undertaker at Wrestlemania [that he inevitably loses], then retire.
Divas
Gail Kim
A contract with some other wrestling promotion better than TNA.
Mickie James
Food. Lots of food. I liked her when she had that big ass. Now she just looks like most other diva's. Pretty but boring. I suppose generic is the word.
Tara
Her old name back. Victoria was a decent women's wrestler. Tara is a joke, but TNA has a lot to do with that.
Brooke Hogan
Tape, to put over her mouth + the same contract as Hogan, to avoid any televised wrestling events, but alter it to any televised shows period, wrestling or not.
Miss Tessmacher
A contract with a German promotion. She's got the name for it.
Sorry for those I missed, but this took me ages, I'm done with it. Have a Merry Christmas.
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